V

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
- Winston Churchill

"I need something to constipate my mouth."
- Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. "Octomom")

"Aaaaaagggh! I'm gonna Grape you in the mouth!"

Classic!

Politics

A little boy asks his father what politics is. His father tries to explain. "Well, son," he says, "I go out into the world every day and make money - so imagine me as Capitalism. Your mother handles the budget for the house - so you could regard her as the Government. Your nanny, who looks after you and your baby brother, works very hard - so we will call her the Working Class. You are in the midst of all this - so consider yourself as the People. And your baby brother? Look on him as the Future."

That night the boy goes to bed pondering his father's words. In the middle of the night he is woken by his baby brother crying, clearly wanting to have his diaper changed. He goes into his parents' bedroom and sees his mother fast asleep. He is unable to rouse her.

He goes to the nanny's room and finds his father and the nanny making love. He tiptoes quietly out without being observed and goes back to bed.

At breakfast in the morning, the boy says to his father: "I was thinking about what you told me and I think I understand about politics now, dad." His gratified father looks up from his toast and asks, "Oh yes, how is that?" "Well," replies the boy, "Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. The Government is asleep. The People are being lied to and the Future is in deep shit."

"Cause I gotta tell you the truth folks, I gotta tell you the truth...when it comes to bull shit,
big time, major league bull shit, you have to stand in awe of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: Religion. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man.. living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day, and the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do, and if you do any of these special things he has a place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever until the end of time....but he loves you...he loves you. He loves you and he needs MONEY, he always needs money. He's all powerful, all perfect, all knowing, and all wise, somehow, *click*, just can't handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more...now, you talk about a good bull shit story: holy shit."

- George Carlin